All asians in the same vicinity are related... right?

Last week, I took the Amtrak back to the city from upstate and grabbed one of the last few seats on the aisle next to a white woman who politely ignored me. (This, of course, is the rule of engagement for commuter trains. Don't touch, don't talk.) Two asian men and an asian woman with several suit cases claimed the aisle seats ahead of me, but not directly bordering my seat.
(X's represent occupied seats, A's represent the three asians)

| x A |  | A x |
| x A |  | x x |
| x x |  | me x |

Well-meaning conductor (scans Lydia's ticket): You know, there are more seats together in the next car.
Lydia: (blank stare, confused)
Well-meaning conductor: (gestures in front of him to the next train car) In the next car, you can all sit together. There's space.
Lydia: Oh! ... I don't know them.

Smag Life Abroad

I've been called out for not posting for 2 years.  Here are two smaggy conversations I had while abroad with my smag friend (nicknamed Kto) while in Seville and London, respectively.

Convo #1:

Random guy: Holaaaaa chinitas.

SmagLyd: (to SmagKto) Well, at least here in spain they hit on us in their native language.  THAT'S refreshing.

[2 blocks later]

Random guy #2: Konichiwa! 

SmagLyd: annnnnd there we go.

Note: I'd like to point out that there were 20 to 1 Koreans to any-other-asians while we were being tourists in Seville.  You'd think they'd at least learn to say annyeonghaseyo. 

Convo #2:

[at a long communal booth/table eating lunch with SmagKto. An asian woman appears and asks if she and her family (who are still ordering food) can sit there, so we move over a little. A Londoner (I'm guessing he's half black) and his two adorable daughters appear and ask us to move over.]

Asian Woman: Uhm, I have 5 people.

Londoner: (looks at us all) Yeah, this table can fit like 20 people if you move over.

[SmagLyd awkwardly looks around... then slides over a little bit. SmagKto does the same across the table.  Asian woman moves in about 6 inches.  Londoner slides into booth and is now sitting across from Asian woman. Everyone looks a little confused.]

SmagLyd: (pauses and then blurts out) Uhh... we don't know them! (gesturing at other asians)

Londoner: Oh! I'm so sorry... I thought you were part of the same family!

Convo #2, part 2:

[Londoner has been chatting with us about living in New York and London]

SmagLyd: (thinks to herself) Oh, this is so nice, he hasn't really been weird about asians and american things, like people sometimes are... it's probably because we have normal American accents and SmagKto lives here in London (mentally pats self on back)

Londoner: ...so.... Do you like kungfu movies?

SmagLyd: (revokes pat on back and raises voice to a high-pitched level that happens when being disingenuous) Oh! yeahyeahsure, I like... (pause) No... I don't know why I said that. That's a lie. I don't particularly like kungfu movies.

Londoner: (is shocked) What? ... but how old are you?

SmagLyd: 31.

Londoner: (pauses) .... but you SHOULD like kungfu movies.

Thanks for letting me know what I should like, dude. Hahah.  Weirdos.

And we're back! .... Mistaken smagdenity

Yeah... so, we smags kind of forgot about this blog... oops.  ~ Smag-Lyd

Many changes since we last posted (a bajillion years ago). Smag-Joyce ran a marathon, Smag-Lyd got a new job within the same company, Smag-Alex found a nice boy and is now reppin' BK.  Our smag-den has also grown to include Smag-Van! It's important to acknowledge her since she's part of the inspiration for this post.

Yesterday, Smag-Van and I went to a cheap sushi place in Astoria near our apt.  When Smag-Van came back from the bathroom, she was trying really hard not to bust out laughing.  "I think that guy over there thought that I work here..." A random white guy intercepted her on the way to our table and started to ask her a question. Oh the woes of being a smag, dressed in black, eating at an asian restaurant. Non-smags don't know what to do.

At least Smag-Van was confused for a waitress at a decent restaurant.  My best case of mistaken smagdenity happened upstate (yeah, so it's not the city but whatever) at a crappo chinese buffet in Ulster County (pretty g...).  I was walking back to my family's table with a plate full of crappy chinese food and probably a random dollop of mashed potatoes, when a middle-aged white guy stops me and asks me "Excuse me, ma'am, can I get a fork?"

I was so flustered because I didn't get that he thought I worked there for a solid 10 seconds of awkward dead time. I mean, I was holding a plate of food and probably picking at it, and wearing jeans and some slobby t-shirt (probably) - not the fugly vests over short sleeve button-downs... But I finally replied, "ohhh, I don't work here.  But, like, there's a whole bin of them right over there." We were at a buffet.  They're over there by the plates, old man.

I wonder if those people ever feel embarrassed. Smags-out.

Chinese takeout

This pretty much blew my mind.  Just like the expandable ketchup cups.

Of course, if you can't eat 2 pounds of roast pork lo mein, you might want to save that carton.  Smag out.

Things Smags+ Hate...

because I'm pretty sure I've heard every single one of these questions/comments.  I think this video is entitled "PLEASE SAYING THIS STUFF TO ASIANS!"

 

I have a pretty big chip on my shoulder about getting the question "Do you speak English?" and I've often wondered why.  Perhaps it's because I can't really speak Chinese that well, and if I didn't speak English as well as I do, WHAT WOULD I HAVE?  I'd like to think people can see the neon signs above my head that scream "well-educated!" "perfect english" "Doesn't need a greencard!" but alas, this is not my reality. 

At some point, the number of generations that asian-american families have been in America will be large enough that the clueless subset of Americans will change their expectations.  But I'm sure there will always be the creepo's that ask if we need greencards, while standing outside an unmarked van - waiting to whisk us away into the sex slave industry.  (for story, see earlier post)

It's been a long time...

...shouldn't have left you...

So I realize we've gone almost 6 months without a smag post.  And nothing short of a brilliant Halloween costume idea could bring us out of pseudo-retirement. 

I'd love to do a group-smag costume dealio for this Halloween.  I generally hate Halloween and costumes, but if it was a group thing, I could overlook said hatred.  My idea in the middle of August was to do a Carmen Sandiego themed group costume.  Smag-Alex could be Carmen (because she can pull off a trench coat), Smag-Joyce could be a gumshoe (because she is our forensics guru in the apt), and I could be a V.I.L.E. henchmen (because I'm good at making awkward pointy-elbowed creepy arm movements).  I would have happily worn green pants and eyeblack and made my own "dossier" for our gumshoe.  But alas - this was too much work to even think about realistically. 

Enter unintentionally-sometimes-smag-dating friend of ours.

"I think you should do a group costume. 'binder full of smags' "

Two points to anyone who can come up with a hypothetical way to pull off this genius and appropriately timed costume. (and no we are not actually going to do this. but I'm very interested in knowing how it could be done.)  Two points to anyone who thought this post was going to be about Aaliyah.

Getting hit on before 9am... in Chinese...

A little while ago, I had the privilege of joining some friends for a fancy-ish dinner at the NoMad hotel.  For this occasion, I thought it necessary to wear something reasonably nice.  Since the dinner was immediately after work, I went to work in a business-casual work dress and wedge heels.  I often wear a dress to work, but pair it with sensible flats or sneakers for the commute.  What smag doesn't have at least 6 pairs of nice work shoes under her desk?

The addition of these heels, however, (despite them being pretty casual) opened up a different commute experience.  I was hit on 3 times before I got to work.  And not in a specific-to-me kind of way.  Any substitute smag would have gotten the exact same comments.  But each time confused me more and more. 

The first guy was one of the construction guys working on the building next to ours.  Our basement apt opens up into a courtyard and we have to go up some stairs to get back out of our building.  So cliched, right?  A construction worker.

The second one happened just before I got to the train station.  A guy walking toward me stepped laterally to get in my way and murmur something in my face.  It was general and bizarre but non-threatening.  

The last, however, really stuck out to me.  I was coming out of the train by the Flatiron building in a steady stream of people trying to get to work.  There's a guy of non-asian ethnicity handing out Metro newspapers.  He's saying general pleasantries to everyone, but makes a significant point to single me out.  So he stopped, looked me up and down and said, "Hey. Ni haooooo...." (which means, "Hey. How are you?" or, with the proper inflection "How YOU doin'....?") It was so quick, like an immediate reaction on his part.  'Yes... this is how I talk to asian girls... all of them.' It wasn't threatening of a comment either, but part of me wanted to turn around and hurl, "I'm KOREAN!!!" (which is not true, but COULD be true!)  But alas, I was still not yet fully awake and couldn't care enough at 9 in the morning. 

It did have me thinking for the rest of the day.  Is this flattering or endearing when non-asian guys try to learn some chinese to pick up [hopefully] chinese girls?  Or is it just odd and maybe a little offensive?  There's nothing that pisses me off more than people assuming I don't speak English perfectly.  Do they just find it to be an easy conversation starter?  Is this something that can be changed, if all smags decided to ignore such advances?  Is this even something smags everywhere would want?  

Food for smag-thought.